i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
