I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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