She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
