We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
