i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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