Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
