he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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