if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
