Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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