what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
