i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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