We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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