They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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