Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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