forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
