i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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