I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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