i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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