Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
