I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
