I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
