All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
