News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
