Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
