I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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