My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
you never un-have a 4some
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
