Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Randomize
