he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
