I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
