my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
