so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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