i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
