I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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