what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
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Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
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I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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