I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Oh god it's open bar.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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