I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
