you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
