oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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