Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
