Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize