I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
