Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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