I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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