dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
