Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
