Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
