Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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