My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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