Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
