I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
