If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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