She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Someone shattered a urinal.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
