I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
