My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
