he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
