You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
