she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
