i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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